A BOOMER’S TOOLKIT FOR SHELTERING AT HOME
Tongue in cheek, here are the must-haves for lockdown:
Tool 1: Old-fashioned curlers. I unearthed some Velcro rollers, which must date from my junior high days, and in confinement I’ve been rolling up my tresses like a pro. It made me realize that boys and men may come and go, but a good set of curlers is forever.
Tool 2: Husband. A husband is a handy target when you’re getting cabin fever. Your bad moods aside, he is also indispensable for so many chores at a time when handymen and cleaning people can’t come into the house. As an example, see Tool 3, below.
Tool 3: Vacuum cleaner. My husband is the designated vacuum-er. Since our vacuum must weigh 400 pounds, it’s too heavy for him (but not our petite, longtime cleaning lady) to lug back and forth to the garage. It stands in our living room, where it doubles as a coat hanger and umbrella stand.
Tool 4: An Oreo or a Tootsie Pop. Oreos melt in your mouth, but then they’re gone in a twinkling of an eye. Tootsie Pops, the other hand, are not as sweet but last longer and have the advantage of making your husband crazy with your sucking sounds. Oh, go on, have both.
Tool 5: Toilet paper. Even if you’ve always been addicted to two-ply (and I see on the Internet there are even three- and four-ply for the discerning user), I advise you to switch to one-ply for the duration. The roll lasts twice as long and does the job just fine.
Tool 6: Telenovelas. Some Latin American soap operas have upwards of 225 episodes, which will see you through lockdown and more. In addition, they’ll help you acquire a highly specialized Spanish vocabulary that will come in handy should you ever have to negotiate with El Chapo.
Tool 7: Kindle. While libraries are closed, the e-book is a godsend. I, a glutton for punishment, decided this was the perfect time to tackle “The Magic Mountain” by Thomas Mann, all 1,006 pages of it. Check back with me in two months; I’ll still be reading . . .
Tool 8: Phone with food-to-go on speed dial. It’s scrubbing the pots and emptying the dishwasher that get one down. That’s why take-out is such a sanity saver. Moreover, ordering in keeps people employed and helps the local economy. Whoever invented take-out should get the Nobel Prize.
Tool 9: Zoom. This tool is a must-have lifeline to the outer world. Unfortunately, most of us Zoomers look like mannequins at Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum. Wearing a tiara and pearls help up your game. They go with everything—even your daytime pajamas.
Tool 10: Husband. I know this is his second citation, but he’s worth it. After all, who else would question why you are putting on lipstick before donning your facial mask? Who else is so desperate to watch sports he would tune into cherry pit spitting? And who else would think he’s cheering you up by announcing the worldwide Covid-19 count—hour by hour?
###
Barbara Greenleaf is the author of seven books, including the recently published THIS OLD BODY: And 99 Other Reasons to Laugh at Life. These humorous personal essays include several spoofs of her husband, who is a great sport and probably a saint!